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randomosity
Jun. 3rd, 2004 02:48 amso, i am sitting here waiting for the phone to ring. why is it whenever i am dating someone, i feel like i am doing nothing BUT waiting for the phone to ring???\
lets make this clear. i know i have trust issues bigger than the Grand Canyon, and as Andrea put it, this is just acting within my nature.
but CHRIST.
BEFORE i started dating him, i would have trusted him with my life, with my NIECE'S life. now i keep waiting for something to drop. and its all i can do to not totally freak. at least more than i am. i'm pretty sure that this is a function of the post-tramatic stress disorder, which means that what is going on is as follows:
i care about someone.
someone that i care about hurts me.
i react badly.
i care about someone else.
i react badly.
note how a step got skipped the second time through. its been this way for way to long, and the last actual boyfriend made it ridiculous. essentially, with PTSD the reactions come because you EXPECT something subconsiously. except i KNOW what i am expecting, and that actually seems to make it worse. i have managed, through too much therapy to think about, to get rid of the flinching/hitting reflex - probably a good thing, all told - but i can't seem to fix this. OR get real time with my counselor.
and i really need help.
this is a great guy. i don't expect to spend the rest of my life with him, but i would like to NOT be a neurotic mess WHILE i am dating him.
with the last guy, i dithered and whined at my sister about how i didn't trust him. she convinced me that he was trustworthy (and it was all i could do to keep her from killing him, as it turned out). i'm NOT blaming my sister, so please don't take it this way. what she basicly said was "hey, he thinks you're great and that's no reason to freak out". but now i am sorta afraid to listen to her ;) okay, not really, because she knows this one WAAAAAY better than the last - but ya know, i'm really tired of crying on my YOUNGER SISTERS about boys.
so i throw this out. some please dear god help me straighten my head out. i KNOW its crooked...
lets make this clear. i know i have trust issues bigger than the Grand Canyon, and as Andrea put it, this is just acting within my nature.
but CHRIST.
BEFORE i started dating him, i would have trusted him with my life, with my NIECE'S life. now i keep waiting for something to drop. and its all i can do to not totally freak. at least more than i am. i'm pretty sure that this is a function of the post-tramatic stress disorder, which means that what is going on is as follows:
i care about someone.
someone that i care about hurts me.
i react badly.
i care about someone else.
i react badly.
note how a step got skipped the second time through. its been this way for way to long, and the last actual boyfriend made it ridiculous. essentially, with PTSD the reactions come because you EXPECT something subconsiously. except i KNOW what i am expecting, and that actually seems to make it worse. i have managed, through too much therapy to think about, to get rid of the flinching/hitting reflex - probably a good thing, all told - but i can't seem to fix this. OR get real time with my counselor.
and i really need help.
this is a great guy. i don't expect to spend the rest of my life with him, but i would like to NOT be a neurotic mess WHILE i am dating him.
with the last guy, i dithered and whined at my sister about how i didn't trust him. she convinced me that he was trustworthy (and it was all i could do to keep her from killing him, as it turned out). i'm NOT blaming my sister, so please don't take it this way. what she basicly said was "hey, he thinks you're great and that's no reason to freak out". but now i am sorta afraid to listen to her ;) okay, not really, because she knows this one WAAAAAY better than the last - but ya know, i'm really tired of crying on my YOUNGER SISTERS about boys.
so i throw this out. some please dear god help me straighten my head out. i KNOW its crooked...
