randomosity

[denelian]

so, i am sitting here waiting for the phone to ring. why is it whenever i am dating someone, i feel like i am doing nothing BUT waiting for the phone to ring???\

lets make this clear. i know i have trust issues bigger than the Grand Canyon, and as Andrea put it, this is just acting within my nature.
but CHRIST.

BEFORE i started dating him, i would have trusted him with my life, with my NIECE'S life. now i keep waiting for something to drop. and its all i can do to not totally freak. at least more than i am. i'm pretty sure that this is a function of the post-tramatic stress disorder, which means that what is going on is as follows:

i care about someone.
someone that i care about hurts me.
i react badly.
i care about someone else.
i react badly.

note how a step got skipped the second time through. its been this way for way to long, and the last actual boyfriend made it ridiculous. essentially, with PTSD the reactions come because you EXPECT something subconsiously. except i KNOW what i am expecting, and that actually seems to make it worse. i have managed, through too much therapy to think about, to get rid of the flinching/hitting reflex - probably a good thing, all told - but i can't seem to fix this. OR get real time with my counselor.
and i really need help.
this is a great guy. i don't expect to spend the rest of my life with him, but i would like to NOT be a neurotic mess WHILE i am dating him.

with the last guy, i dithered and whined at my sister about how i didn't trust him. she convinced me that he was trustworthy (and it was all i could do to keep her from killing him, as it turned out). i'm NOT blaming my sister, so please don't take it this way. what she basicly said was "hey, he thinks you're great and that's no reason to freak out". but now i am sorta afraid to listen to her ;) okay, not really, because she knows this one WAAAAAY better than the last - but ya know, i'm really tired of crying on my YOUNGER SISTERS about boys.

so i throw this out. some please dear god help me straighten my head out. i KNOW its crooked...

Comments

[roniliquidity.livejournal.com]

The last one was not simply an issue of him not being trustworthy but active malicious pretending. (unless there's been another one I've missed) It's so cruel, bizarre and melodramatic that there's no way you or anyone else could see it coming. I know that doesn't help you not worry about it, or something similar. I went through a similar freak out with this relationship. He was still living with his ex while saving up to move, I kept expecting him to go "Nope, nevermind, I'm going back to her". Everytime we didn't talk much, or he mentioned her in less than loathing terms, or he got nervous about moving, I braced from him to get back together with her.

It's a natural reaction. I got through it by just hanging in there and trying not to be nuts. Something bad may happen, but you can't prevent it, you can't predict it but trying to anticipate it will certainly bring it on. Throw yourself in and enjoy it. You're strong enough to weather whatever may happen, you've been through worse.