denelian: (Default)
2013-09-04 03:39 am

i have been damned

and so have every other Ohioan patient in long term pain management who doesn't have cancer.

see, there is a problem with Rx drug abuse. there are people who *pretend* to have chronic pain to get pain meds, then sell them on the street.**

so, because of this, there are new regulations.

regulation one: unless a person has cancer, they are NO LONGER ALLOWED to have any narcotic for breakthrough pain.
regulation two: unless has a person has cancer, they are no longer allowed to have dose of anything that is higher than 80 mmg [micrograms] per 15 minutes. if i have understood the math, this is the equivalent of a fentanyl patch that is 80 mmg [it's a 3 day patch that would give that exact dose - 80 mmg/15 minutes - *IF* fentanyl CAME in that dosage] *OR* Oxycontin 15 mg/8 hours

what this means for me?

well, my dose of meds has been shrinking for a WHILE. 15 months ago, i was on a fentanyl dose 150 mmg [it's a 3 day patch] *AND* an oxy dose of 30 mg every SIX hours.
2 months ago, as of this friday, it was fentanyl 100 [*MY* choice] and oxy 15mg/6 hours.
it's 75 fentanyl. PERIOD.

can we just cover - that first dosage from 15 months ago? worked. i dropped the fentanyl patch dosage because it was fucking up my skin, not because i didn't NEED that high a dose. i absolutely did. that level - fentanyl 150 oxy 30 - kept my pain level between a 7 and an 8. closer to 8, yes, but any MORE and i couldn't function AT ALL.

it's all about balance between meds that fuck your brain and pain that fucks your brain.

when my meds got lowered to 100 and 15, i had to do less. i quit going to LARP, because sitting for 4 hours once a week was took fucking much - it was, quite literally, taking me 3 DAYS to recover from those 4 hours. and it was NOT AT ALL FUCKING FUN TO LARP, it hurt too bad, i couldn't concentrate, couldn't stay in character.... yeah.

now i was forced off the oxy TOTALLY, and at ONCE - no weaning. withdrawal FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!
it wasn't AS BAD as it could be... at least i still had the [lower dose of] fentanyl.

last month, my pain management doctor told me -quite calmly - that she wouldn't lower my fentanyl dose for another month or two. i FREAKED. she didn't care. i told her - AGAIN!!!! that it wasn't working, and her attitude is that if it doesn't help enough, then i shouldn't take anything at all.

can we cover the fact that my pain hasn't even been as LOW as an 8 since this happened? most days, IT'S A FUCKING 9. i haven't slept since SUNDAY because i hurt THAT BAD.

and she's going to take me off FENTANYL, TOO. the ONLY reason she isn't just cutting it off? is because that would probably literally kill me.

within a year, my life? will be completely, totally untenable.

i am terrified. i have, over the past year and a half, been cutting most of the pieces of life i still had OUT, because i have become unable to maintain. typing HURTS - it's taken me 2 hours to type THIS much.

i don't know what to do.

i need an advocate. a MEDICAL ADVOCATE. i don't know how to get one. i've TRIED - but every program i've called either only does people over 65, *OR* wants me to declare myself literally *incompetent*
but once even the little amount of pain relief i still have is gone? i might be then.

i don't drink. i've never enjoyed it, at all - and i kicked and screamed and fought for MONTHS to not go on ANY of the pain meds, and the ONLY reason i caved? is because my surgeon REFUSED to operate on me UNLESS i was on them... and then i was, literally, in so much pain that i COULD NOT THINK WITHOUT THEM.

i am wondering is there is ANY chance whiskey will do anything. at all.

i am...
i am so beyond terrified. i.......
i don't think i can do this.
i don't know WHAT to do.

help? advise? something?

also, there is this:

** Can someone tell me WHY WE CARE?!?! dude, i don't fucking care if someone does HEROIN, so long as they aren't hurting anyone else! [and a HUGE part of "hurting someone else" comes from people do to GET heroin - or coke or meth or WHATEVER - BECAUSE it's illegal. and I. DON'T. GET. IT. why the FUCK do we CARE?!] if people want to fuck themselves up, then let them. do i approve of people doing heroin and etc? not my business, so long as no one is getting hurt. personally, i think the rec drug trade should be legalized, regulated, then TAXED. make sure that every dose of heroin and etc is as *safe* as possible, that people with children aren't doing it [as in - take the kids AWAY if they have them and do HARD drugs], they don't get gov't assistance EXCEPT to get OFF the drugs if they try to quit. if it's NOT hard drugs - if it's something like, say, POT - treat it like alcohol.
at THAT point, the black market Rx trade would be a LOT less... fraught? yeah, that's the word. i mean, SERIOUSLY, who the FUCK CARES if Joe Blow is faking pain to get drugs he doesn't need, either for rec use or for selling? as long as either A) he isn't hurting anyone ELSE with his rec use, or B) is ONLY selling to adults who are not A, THEN WHY THE FUCK DO WE FUCKING CARE!?!?! i just literally cannot understand this - AND I HATE DRUGS WITH AN UNHOLY BURNING PASSION. i *HATE* that i cannot fucking function without them, and this fact - that i literally cannot get myself off my fucking bed without these fucking meds - is the thing that has driven me CLOSEST to suicide. I FUCKING HATE FUCKING DRUGS - but i have ZERO right to tell OTHERS that they cannot use them, so long as they aren't hurting anyone else.
i. just.
i guarantee that there will be LOTS of chronic pain patients suiciding. i don't want to be one. did i mention i am TERRIFIED?!?!

crossposted to livejournal/dreamwidth, which means it shows up on facebook.
denelian: (Default)
2009-04-15 08:33 pm

Missing Teenager in CO (Denver)

so, i am hoping that someone with an actual following will pick this up and copy it around:
Frank's 14-year-old niece, Jennifer, has been missing since Saturday evening; it took a few days for them to get the police to take them seriously, as the responding officer Saturday evening flagged the case as a runaway. There are photos, details, and an email address for PayPal donations to fund a reward and there is a Twitter feed embedded in that last one.
he is offering a reward (of $500, all he has at the moment) and asking for donations to post a bigger reward.
the stupid cop who took the report originally listed the girl as a "runaway", so of course no one fucking did anything at first. because happy healthy 14 year olds who are happy in their home situations run away *all the time* (yes, sometimes, but WTF?)
even if she DID "just" run away, think about the predators out there... she needs to be found, even if it was "only" a runaway; since it seems likely that she was *TAKEN* instead, it is even more important.

please, everyone, pray or cast or meditate or whatever on her behalf, and if you have anything to help (i only have $5, but if everyone chips in $5, it adds up fast)
denelian: (Default)
2009-04-10 06:29 pm
Entry tags:


i can't get the comments from posts over at LJ to import (everything else but 1 entry from 2004 DID import)

any thoughts, comments, advise?

Edit: they showed up now, lol. at least a lot of them did :)
denelian: (Default)
2009-04-10 06:11 pm
Entry tags:

First real Post!

third times the charm?
it keeps messing up right before i am ready to post! grrrrr!!!


i will, from now, be posting mostly over here (so long as the weirdness stops)
i want to do REAL posting. not quizzes. so, look for those (like, about the girl suspended for two weeks for taking her birth control; or the woman who was arrested and charged and jailed for reporting that she had been raped, because the police DID NOT WANT TO BELIEVE HER, and LITERALLY REFUSED TO DO ANY WORK. so, months later, the guy who had raped her had raped many other women, which is ALL that saved the first woman from years in jail.) because we "live in a post-racial, post-sexist world".
if only.
denelian: (Default)
2009-04-08 05:30 pm
Entry tags:


a couple of weeks ago [personal profile] vito_excalibur posted that Dreamwidth was in beta, and while people couldn't just sign up, they could enter an OpenID and watch.
so i did (denelian@livvejournal)
and then, this morning, i got an invite
so i am ALSO denelian at Dreamwidth

i know that there are ways to mirror from LJTO DW, and vice versa. i will figure it out.
denelian: (Default)
2009-03-19 03:26 pm
Entry tags:

(no subject)

so, my number1 Girl Crush? is a genius:

no, really, go look
denelian: (Default)
2009-03-08 04:50 am
Entry tags:


my dad dragged me to see Rent when it was in the theaters... it was right after Pete and i had broken up (which, obviously, we got over. right now - knock on wood - everything is wonderful)

so, my dad drags me, thinking "Musical. that'll cheer her up"

i started crying at the first note. really. i cried for the ENTIRE movie. strangely, it was THIS movie that convinced me to give Pete another chance. (my dad tried to get me to leave a couple of times. it was strange. but we both loved the movie)

so, anyway, two years later, Pete and i have been back together (we were only broken up for a short while. erm... and i have NO sense of time really, anymore). and i wanted him to watch it. we made this deal - if i watched 8 Mile, he would watch Rent.

i had the total satisfaction of seeing *HIM* cry. really... he doesn't like to show emotions, and it made me feel a LOT better to see him cry. plus, he GOT it.

he bought me both the movie and the soundtrack for my birthday. we watched it again (no, he didn't cry this time. although it was close for a couple of minutes at Angel's funueral). i canNOT stop listening. it makes me cry more. and i need to have something outside me make me cry, i'm too damned good at repressing. but...

i can't get how ANYone can watch this movie, and then vote for Prop8. i mean... Collins and Angel are so goddamned motherfucking cute, so sweet, so PERFECT.
Mimi and Roger are both straight, and they can't get their shit together until Mimi is DYING, where Angel and Collins pulled it together IMMEDIATELY, and they TOOK CARE OF EACH OTHER.

sorry, i'm going to go cry some more now.

there is this nationwide shortage of oxycodone (no i don't know why) my doctor was trying to switch me to Morphine, but i have FINALS - i canNOT take finals on a new and more fuck-with-me drug. so i am 40 pills short, so i am only taking 3 a day, instead of 4, and some of them are half doses... so if i am absent, thats why, i can barely move. so... crying.

"I'm not alone"
denelian: (Default)
2009-03-07 03:18 am
Entry tags:

i am so incredibly erratic

i have been thinking of starting a blog

i keep not doing it, because i can't even manage to post to this LJ in any sort of regular basis.

also, because "denelian" was taken in Blogspot. did you know that there is a bad in Seattle (i think it's Seattle) named denelian? it appears to have been formed in 2005. and i have been using this name since... 93? somewhere around there. i was tempted for about two seconds to sue. then i got over it, it seems very bitchy, no? and all because i don't want people to think i stole the name. sigh. so, just so you (all) know, Denelian Coronia was the first D&D character i got to 20th level, starting from 1st level. i was 16. she was a thief... i had this little series of short stories, how she was the Royal Smuggler for this smallish-country. because, you see, this smallish-country was a hub for trade, and didn't have ANYTHING that was against the law to sell. but all the other countries did. it was Denelian's job to keep track of what was illegal where, how well smuggling did in different circumstances, train traders in smuggling, etc. what can i say, i started writing it at 15 (when i STARTED the character i was 14. yes, it took me almost 2 years to get her to 20th level. we only played that specific game like once a month at most)

anyway... just babbling
denelian: (Default)
2009-02-11 08:58 pm


cut because pic is so big - quizziness
Read more... )
denelian: (Default)
2009-02-06 11:38 pm

my dad told me to send dirty panties to Ken Starr

he really did, right after we moved to Ohio, so this was 12 years ago.

Ken Starr is back, pushing to force all the gay couples who got married to CA to be forcebly divorced.

please. please tell Ken to go fuck himself by signing this petition:

i am broke. i could only donate $5. but if everyone donates $5, it adds up.
denelian: (Default)
2009-01-31 05:27 pm
Entry tags:

(no subject)

so, haggard won't admit that he is gay. he insists, over and over, that he is heterosexual with, what, something like gay proclivities? something, anyway, that means he's not really gay, he just looks gay

and his wife is enabling this

and, you know, it IS hard when people insist on applying a label to you that isn't true. i have "come out" as STRAIGHT more time than i can count, because people always fucking assume that a confident woman who speaks up MUST be a lesbian. it pisses me off when this happens - not because i have a problem with lesbians, or lesbianism, but because it diminishes women in toto. it means that "real" women (read: hetero only) CANNOT be loud and outspoken and stand up for themselves; it stigmatizes both sides of the hetero/homo line, and it tells me "If you were a REAL woman, you wouldn't act this way" and goes on the assert that lesbians are NOT "real" women because they DO act the way that i do.

it's all fucked up.

and the Haggards of the world just continue the persecution and the hate the false divides and the ignorance. so, no, no pity for them.
denelian: (Default)
2009-01-31 04:32 pm
Entry tags:

the things we do for out addictions

i swear to you, crack is CHEAPER.
but, i am addicted to BOOKS. and the chance to win an ARC of the next Ilonia Andrews book is MUCH to good to pass, especially when it is A) easy and B) does something also helpful; in the case it's reposting a thing about a convention that i WANT TO GO TO

To enter, post the following announcement on your blog or board your frequent:

OpusFest is back! March 13 - 15, 2009 at Red Lion Hotel (I-70 and Quebec) Denver, CO. Come meet Ilona and Gordon Andrews, Gil Bruvel, Stephen Segal, David Boop and many others. for more info!
denelian: (Default)
2009-01-29 12:25 am

short story

a year and a half or so ago, i wrote a short story.

it is actually very dear to me.

anyway, i somehow ran across it on my computer. i haven't thought of it in a while - i wrote it for a contest (Universe magazine, published by Baen). it didn't win (as evidenced by the fact that the enitire world wasn't deafened by my screaming). i am thinking about submitting it regularly, as opposed to for a contest.

but first, i would really like some feedback from someone other than my dad. my dad fell head-over-heels for it - but it's really hard to trust that a parent ACTUALLY likes something, because (at least my parents) they tend to feel obligated to like something.

so i am looking for victi-er, volunteers. (any writers who ever look at my LJ, if you have time, i would be ESPECIALLY grateful for your input). it is just under 5,000 words (and honestly, i don't know if thats too many or too much or anything). i would prefer to NOT try and post it to LJ, for lots of reasons.
also, anyone who DOES read it, yes yes yes the first part IS incredibly important. look, just trust me as a disabled person who deals with constant chronic pain and who had 4 fucking hip surgeries over the summer and so got eight thousand tons of ACCUTE pain on top of it: the FIRST SECTION IS IMPORTANT. i would be open on suggestions to re-write it, but since every person at the Baen's Bar who read it told me to remove the first section (and the reason is apparently not because it is bad, but because talking about pain is bad. which attitude is bad - if we were able to talk about pain more than i think more things would be treated...)i am saying upfront that i would rather never have it published at all than remove the first section. that first section is... well obviously i think it is important. because this is a story about how people are overcoming their disabilities and pain. the discussion of pain, the explanation of pain, the exploration of pain, is right at the center of the story. in a very real sense, without pain there is no story.

anyway. vic-volunteers?

edit for clarification: 5 people at Baen's responded to this short story. every single one of them said something along the lines of "nice story, but the first section is depressing" AND THAT IS ALL. i got no commentary or critiquing other than "first section makes me uncomfortable". this is why i am asking for people to read and respond :)
denelian: (Default)
2009-01-27 09:10 pm


also... watch the outtakes
denelian: (Default)
2009-01-24 12:44 am

bad, then good

the night before last, i recieved an anon. message here on my LJ (a comment, actually) about a post that it appeared i had made on Pandagon. the anon. commenter was asking if it was me, because it was an incredibly mean and hateful comment endorsing rape and slavery.
i went over to Pandagon and looked around.
you see, a week or two ago, this stupid troll calling himself DodgeRam showed up and kept being RUDE. beyond your basic trolling rude. so one of the moderators put in a script so that whenever he sent a post in, it said something like "killpost script", because he was very very very fucked.
and so he started posting using other peoples' screennames. and said the worst shit under my name. (at least, the worst that i have founc. there may have been others that were also deleted - they deleted everything he posted in *my* name because i was so very upset). it didn't start off very badly, but people were like "why the hell is Denelian being stupid" and it built and built over about 24 hours, culminating in the rape/slave/Michelle Obama, AND calling other posters fucked up names.

but it wasn't all evil. pandagon has shifted to registered-only (but it is literally the easiest site i have ever registered with. i have been registered for almost a year i think. it was just that it was literally just as easy to post without signing in), and there was a thread all about how it was now registered only. and this was on the thread:

and i am right now thinking that this was the BEST. COMMERCIAL. EVAR.

really. it made me happy. i now know how Zander felt, in the Buffy Musical, when he summoned the Dancing Demon guy cuz musicals sound happy. this was happy. and it appears that random people were spontaniously joining in, which makes it even better.
denelian: (Default)
2009-01-23 08:19 pm


Global Gag Rule is GONE!!!!!!!!!

here is my irony. Pro-lifers are PISSED that their tax money will now be going to fund clinics that might refer abortion, and are SCREAMING that pro-life tax-payers shouldn't be forced to "fund" something they vehemently disagree with. but they had absolutely NO fucking problem forcing pro-choice people into funding ABSTINENCE FUCKING ONLY.

see, this is where the shoe is on the other foot. everytime the nominal left "loses" a battle, such as Prop-8, we are told over and over AND OVER that we need to shut the the majority have spoken. but when we WIN something, like getting rid of that same obscene abstinence only education or the fucking Global Gag Rule - THEN they say it's a "Tyranny of the majority". that THEY shouldn't have to pay for something THEY don't like, BUT WE DO.

i fucking hate hypocrites.
denelian: (Default)
2009-01-23 07:33 am

i liked this one

The Political Compass

Economic Left/Right: -7.38
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -4.92

political map

off to the ER dentist...